If you have ever come across a command in the Holy Rule Book that did not quite sit well with you, but you knew that you could not last long in a Christian place if you openly disobeyed the command, then this is the perfect guide for you. This will prepare you, as Peter the Thrice Denier said, “to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you,” (with hope in this case meaning something entirely different).
When a Christian comes up to you in your difference of opinion with the Scriptures and quotes to you the very passage which you do not feel particularly led to follow at the moment, your best option is to turn the discussion into one of differing interpretation. You are not really disobeying God’s Word, you just have a different interpretation of God’s Word. Doesn’t that sound much better? Just say, “That’s your way of looking at it, and I have my way of looking at it.” Chances are the Christian you are speaking with will not dare imply that your interpretation is clearly wrong since you are engaged in the behavior that the Bible prohibits. That would violate the 11th Commandment, “Thou shalt be nice.” If that is as far as the Christian is willing to go, you may continue on your way.
Some Christians will not be so easily turned aside, however, and so a second tactic is needed. If the Christian asks you to explain your novel interpretation, say that the matter at hand is a “heart issue” or “a matter of conscience.” This will bring to mind such passages as Romans 14, where Paul speaks on the issue of eating meat sacrificed to idols. To some, it is sin, but to others, it is nothing at all. As Paul says, “Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind,” (Rom. 14:5). This is your blank check to say, for example, that making crude jokes is not a sin for you, though it might be a sin to others. Tell the Christian (and your own conscience especially) that the jokes do not affect your conscience at all, and that Ephesians 5:3-5 is meant to be understood in the context of the heart issue passages in Romans. If this is enough for the Christian, you may continue further on your way.
Some persistent Christians exist, though, and so you must be armed with more than even this. Perhaps the Christian points out that Ephesians 5 does not leave any room nor give any indication that it is a “matter of conscience.” In that case, you can say that the whole passage is addressing something specific to the culture of the day, and no longer applies to the modern day. Dilute the conversation by reminding the Christian of the command, “Greet one another with a holy kiss,” (Rom. 16:16; etc.). Deliver your ultimatum: if we don’t have to greet one another with a holy kiss, then you don’t have to, for example, uncover your head when praying. Clearly 1 Corinthians 11:4-5 depended on a cultural context where covering one’s head actually meant something, unlike our context, and so you don’t need to doff your hoodie for prayer. This way you will disarm the Christian, leaving him or her to ponder whether we really ought to greet one another with a holy kiss, and in the meantime you may go even further on your way. Where exactly are we going again?
But say the Christian is not satisfied, and points to 1 Corinthians 11:16 and says that if it were culturally dependent, why would all the churches practice it regardless of Jewish, Roman, Galatian, Corinthian, or Ephesian culture, and why would there be no other practice for anyone who is contentious. That sort of Christian is tough to deal with, but you are not out of luck yet. You can stump even this sort of Christian by asking what the original Greek or Hebrew says. Chances are that the semantic range of whatever word used in the passage being discussed is just wide enough for you to pick a different rendering of the word, one that just so happens to suit your differing practice. The word for “head” sometimes used to describe the husband being the head of the wife could also mean “source.” How that negates the idea of husbands being the wife’s authority is up for you to come up with, but unless the Christian is a Greek student and well along, or unless the Christian is confident enough to say that your interpretation disagrees with the entire committee of Biblical scholars who translated whatever translation you are using, you will have bought yourself more time to go further down the path. This path seems rather wide, don’t you think?
Another tactic you might be able to employ depending on which part of the Bible the Christian is quoting to you is to say that we are in the New Covenant now and Christ has fulfilled the Law. Say something cute and nifty that can easily fit on a card or something, like “The New Testament only has two commands: to love God and love neighbor.” Because it is true that Christ fulfills the Law, you might stump the Christian. The Christian might not distinguish, as has always been done, between the moral, ceremonial, and civic laws in the Law of Moses, and from that distinction point out that the passage being contravened is a moral command, not one related to the cleanliness laws or the sacrifice of bulls and goats. Leave the Christian to hopefully not pick up on later that if loving God and loving neighbor sum up the whole Law (Matt. 7:12; 22:40), then the moral commands in the Law are the specifics of loving God and loving neighbor. Leave the Christian on the other path, and continue on your own. By the way, is it just me, or is this path getting a little warm?
Finally, if the Christian persists and persists, dodging all the distractions and jumping through the loops, your only option left is to accuse the Christian of wrongdoing. What wrong could the Christian have committed? It is a crime as bad as even the Pharisees who put Christ to death: lEgaLiSm!!! LeGaLiSm!!! How dare the Christian impose on you what God has not imposed on you? You have Christian freedom to do what makes you feel good, just so long as you avoid the things that make you feel bad! Who is this Christian anyway to point out any wrongdoing of yours when he or she has such a horrendous log as legalism in his or her own eyes? Call it legalism, and leave it at that. Then, even if the Christian argues that legalism is requiring something that the Bible does, while in contrast he or she was just trying to command what the Bible does indeed command, the woes of Christ against the scribes and Pharisees will still fall on that Christian, or at least everyone will think they will, and you will be exonerated.
Beyond that point, it is just you and your Bible and your own “way of looking at things.” At that point, the path you walk is free of obstacles, and you can run headlong down the path. What’s at the end of the path? I don’t actually know. No one has ever returned to say where the path leads, which must mean that it is a destination so wonderful that no one ever wishes to return!
But beware! I have heard of some cases where someone walking down this path met a Man who wouldn’t let them go any further, Who said “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”
* * * * *
When it comes to crafting a Christian culture, we need to understand the barriers that prevent us from moving forward. Sometimes these barriers are exactly the sort of manipulating of Scripture that I have satirized here. While there are legitimate matters of conscience (that are either explicitly identified as such in Scripture or not addressed whatsoever in Scripture, not even indirectly addressed), and while there are commands that have different cultural expressions (okay, you’re right, Sarah wouldn’t have called Abraham “lord” (1 Peter 3:6) if she had been around today. Obviously our culture’s equivalent is “sir”), this does not mean that we might, in order to excuse and overlook some sin, misuse and misapply these nuances. Take note of these tactics, discern when they are being used rightly and when they are not, and be willing to point them out in a God-honoring and brother-provoking manner (Hebrews 10:24). As Paul writes, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” (2 Corinthians 10:5). We must be on guard against these tactics, and ask God to protect us from the devil’s forked tongue that asks us whether God really did say…