As Christians, we are called to be the light of the world. We ought to be a shining example to others of God’s love, righteousness, and purity. With that being said, what should dating look like as a Christian, and how should it stand out from the world’s approach? I’ve heard the countless stories of relationships from Christians and non-Christians alike. I’ve seen and heard the variety of hurt in sexual sin, and how the consequences haunt those that have fallen into it or continue to struggle in that sin. For any Christian to rightly pursue Christ and apply His teachings to his or her life, it is necessary to be spiritually equipped with the tools, knowledge, and application. This is necessary not only to prevent sinful behavior, but also to proactively wage war against it.
In the midst of my discussions with peers ranging from High School, Community College, and Cedarville University, I’ve noticed that the largest substantial difference, if any, between the dating culture of Christians and non-Christians, is whether or not pre-marital sex occurs. Even then, many blur that line with a variety of activities leading up to intercourse. This is often done in a roundabout attempt to justify fulfilling their own desires. I have found shockingly little difference between many relationship cases of Christians and non-Christians. Regardless of religious background, it seems to be a common norm among both groups for a person to explore deep intimacy before marriage. This occurs whether it be emotional or physical, and with an alarming number of partners before finally settling down with their spouse. Is the average approach taken by Christians sufficient in treating relationships in a biblical and Godly manner?
Defining the Secular Dating Culture
Secular Relationships are often founded on sexual compatibility, treated and used as personal fulfillment. If you no longer find emotional or physical satisfaction from your partner, the relationship wasn’t meant to be, and it is time to part ways and move on.
Secular Relationships have the deeply-rooted misconception that this is liberating. If a person has complete freedom in their pursuit of intimacy and sexual desire, they will better understand themselves, their desires, and how to best fulfil them. This often goes hand-in-hand with the phrase “love is love,” the deceptively sweet idea that just about any if not EVERY relationship should be validated and accepted. After all, as long as you’re happy and enjoying yourself in the moment, what’s so wrong with that?
This deception and lawlessness has corrupted our culture to its core. These “liberating” ideas have made people slaves to the whim of their every desire. Our society from birth to death is constantly bombarded with sexual advertisements, imagery, and similar themes throughout our media. In our age of information through the internet and social media, little remains sacred, little is safe. With this, we are practically spoon-feed our entire lives with the idea that nothing matters as long as you are happy.
Cedarville’s Dating Culture
Does Cedarville’s dating culture hold any noticeable differences from the modern world? Listed below is taken from the 2022-23 Student Handbook surrounding the University’s rules and guidelines:
In an age where the secular world will make any and every attempt to justify sexual immorality, Cedarville’s “Commitment to Purity” policy serves as a clear indication that the University is keen on standing out from the rest of the world. Throughout this policy, Cedarville advocates strongly for a biblical approach for sex, offering the following guidelines in conduct and behavior as a student attending Cedarville, as quoted word-for-word from the 2022-2023 Student Handbook:
- Students in romantic relationships should avoid spending extended time in a private place or location where there is not a healthy level of accountability, such as off-campus apartments or bedrooms.
- Students are not to share the same bed.
- Students are not permitted to spend the night in an off-campus apartment, hotel room, bedroom, etc., with the opposite sex, regardless of the number of students involved.
- Married students are not permitted to engage in sexual activity with anyone other than their spouse.
- Married students are encouraged to celebrate God’s design of sexual intimacy by pursuing emotional and physical intimacy with their spouse.
- Married students are encouraged to maintain appropriate boundaries and invite accountability for protection against temptations to emotional or physical adultery.
- Students are prohibited from accessing pornographic or obscene websites or creating links to such sites.
- Students are prohibited from posting or sharing sexually provocative material.
These rules and guidelines are intended for students at Cedarville to avoid potential stumbling blocks in their sin, as putting themselves in such situations risks creating temptation. Cedarville also provides a number of means of support for those in the student body that struggle against sexual sin, such as confidential counselling services and the organization of accountability groups.
The enforcement of these rules will never be perfect or foolproof. Students that wish to seek out sexual sin will always have some method to find it if they are driven enough. However, for those who seek the glory of God, the Bible’s stance on sexual immorality is more than enough while the University guidelines and services support those who struggle in that realm of sin.
My concern for Cedarville’s dating culture doesn’t stem from the University’s policies, but from the mindset of the student’s population. The community has a substantial tendency to date depending on the academic year. There is the assumption that as one gains necessary experience and academics, they will be ready for dating later. Incoming freshman are highly discouraged from seeking any romantic relationships whatsoever. On the opposite side of the spectrum, if outgoing seniors aren’t already dating, engaged, or married (preferably in that order), they are strongly encouraged to “fix” that. Admittedly, there is acknowledgement to some degree that not everyone is called to be in a relationship. President Thomas White, in the midst of his jokes about dating at Cedarville, has reminded the student body in his messages that singleness is a gift, which is quickly followed with loud applause by the student body. This reminder however is quickly engulfed by the student body’s overwhelming desire to get their “ring by spring.”
Cedarville’s community places a large amount of focus on the self. It emphasizes on what I want in a relationship, what I need or what I think I need in a relationship, when I am ready for a relationship. There absolutely should be some level of self-preservation in the sense that we should be careful with who we chose as a partner. However, with an oversaturation of putting our own desires at the forefront of our mind, we jeopardize our walk with God. It is easy to neglect where a relationship impacts God’s plan for us.
Comparing Secular and Cedarville Dating Cultures
Many of you might argue that Cedarville’s dating culture is a relatively much better and healthier environment than that of a Secular dating culture. I would strongly agree with you. However, that doesn’t mean that Cedarville’s dating culture is good. Both the Secular and Cedarville approaches put a substantial amount of emphasis on ourselves in one manner or another. Focus is placed on what we think is best for us. Focus is placed on what we want or think we need.
The Devil will use any tool in his arsenal to inhibit our path towards Christ. In the midst of our focus of ourselves, Satan without hesitation will use this in an attempt to divert us from God’s plan in our lives. Satan doesn’t want us to focus on the most important thing: our foundation in Christ. To take away from this at all gives sin an opening to tempt and attack us.
We must then ask: How should we approach relationships?
Treat Temptation Seriously.
We must understand that we are easily tempted by our own desires, and that we are not infallible people. Before dating someone, consider and compare the strengths and weaknesses of yourself and the other person. If the two of you have the same weaknesses, you risk becoming stumbling blocks for each other and will likely find great difficulty overcoming your lusts or struggles in sin. The book of James serves as a strong reminder to take the obstacle of temptation seriously.
No one is to say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it has run its course, brings forth death.
James 1:13-15 (New American Standard Bible)
Intimacy Comes After Commitment.
To be committed to a dating or courting relationship with someone is one thing, but to be committed to someone in marriage is another matter entirely. The difference between physical or emotional intimacy in a dating relationship and in marriage shouldn’t be separated only by a ring and sexual behavior.
Song of Solomon uses beautiful imagery of the freedom of gazelles and deer to compare to love in the context of intimacy after marriage. The book uses the phrase “Do not awaken love until it pleases” repetitively, indicating the significance of the warning. Do not commit to romantic intimacy that is meant to be shared with a spouse when you are not married, whether it be in the form of emotional or physical intimacy.
There are various emotional and physical thresholds within relationships that, once crossed, are exceedingly difficult to return from. I will not attempt to establish where the line should be drawn other than what the Bible has explicitly established. Different people have various strengths and weaknesses in their relationships. What might be totally okay for some may serve as stumbling blocks for others. These various boundaries within relationships are for the couple to discern for themselves through Biblical guidance, along with advice from parents or mentors.
Treat One Another with Purity.
My brothers and sisters in Christ, 1 Timothy 5:1-2 calls for us to treat women as sisters and men as brothers with absolute purity. We are not to treat this command lightly. As Christians, God gives us a heavy warnings throughout the Scriptures to avoid sexual sin. Proverbs 6 and 7, as well as 1 Thessalonians 4 have served as great reference points for me.
Just because Jesus has taken the ultimate punishment for sin by His sacrifice on the cross does not mean we face no punishment for our sins. From the perspective of someone that attended Community College for two years before coming to Cedarville, there is little I have seen more damaging to people’s lives, relationships, and marriages than sexual immorality, whether it be in the form of pornography, adultery, or anything else related to that realm of sin. To indulge in sexual immorality is only pleasant in the moment and at no other time.
Love Your Partner.
As mentioned earlier, much of the secular view of relationships is focused on the self. There is nothing inherently wrong with searching for the right person for you, but in the midst of this, it is easy to lose sight on ensuring that you are becoming the right person for your potential spouse. Because we are called to submit to one another when unified in marriage, it is important to make sure we are capable of following that through in loving a spouse. In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul provides guidance on how husbands and wives are called to mutually love and serve one another. Relationships are a two-way street.
Conclusion
I intentionally focused on points that had more Biblical support than others. The Bible doesn’t give explicit rules on how to handle dating relationships in the context of the secular world. You’re more than welcome to challenge or add onto what I’ve said, and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. Regardless, it is worth considering the following questions: What approach to relationships should I take that will honor God and build up my brothers and sisters in Christ? Is my relationship resulting in building one other up? Is my relationship glorifying to God?
God gives us the tools to find the answers to our questions. It is up to you to use them.
As a side note, here are some references I found helpful in writing this article. I will update this list should I use more references in updating the article at a later date.
- Proverbs 6 & 7 (Warning against adultery)
- Song of Solomon 2:7 (Wait for the proper time – meaning marriage – to love)
- 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (Warning against sinful behavior, including sexual immorality)
- 1 Thessalonians 4 (Warning against wronging our brothers or sisters in Christ in a relationship)
- Ephesians 5:22-23 (Husbands and wives are called to love and serve one another)
- 1 Timothy 5:1-2 (Treat men as fathers and brothers, treat women as mothers and sisters)
- James 1:13-15 (Warning against temptations to sin)